2021

2021 has been the year of parenthood for me.

It was the year I became a part of this wonderful, glorious, and kind community of creatures we call "parents". Fellow beings doling out daily doses of humour to survive shitstorms. Yep.

I left so much of myself behind in 2021, it's no joke and no small feat. I went from being a doctor and little girl with big dreams to wham...a MOM!!! Someone solely responsible for a BABY...a crying and wailing and cuddly little human.

Well, it has been transformative, to say the least. 

Now I know everyone experiences life differently. I know all my peers are balancing so much on their plates, multitasking, building empires, saving lives, working on their careers, all while being parents. 

My experience and my circumstances, somehow, have been different. To look on the positive side of things, 2021 gave me an opportunity to be a totally immersive parent. I am happy to say I've been with my baby every single moment since the time he was born (apart from the time I went for the three covid jabs)😂. I'm so proud of myself for always being there, for dealing with everything, for ticking all the checkboxes. Yes, my career has definitely taken a beating during this time, but hey, I'm still optimistic. 

And I'm still a dermatologist, and no one, I mean no one can take that away from me.

I'm so proud of everything I've achieved this year. Raising a little human is no mean feat.

It's been hard. It's also been glorious. It's been life-altering, to put it in simple terms. 

Now I suddenly view the world with a brand new outlook. Now I 

 understand and appreciate my own parents SO much more. I also understand and appreciate my spouse's parents that much more. I'm automatically kinder to everyone. Because hey, the world's a shitty place, and everyone is someone's baby! You gotta step out with some kindness everyday. 

When you have a little baby at home, it's suddenly not THAT important to win at life anymore. The only important things are - feed, poop, diapers, nap, sleep, repeat. And letting yourself breathe in between. And enjoy their immense laughter, and their chubby cheeks and their tiny tiny toes. Yes. And yet. All that stuff overtakes everything else. 

And yes, I'm not trying to wax glorious without thinking about people who don't have babies, who choose not to, or aren't able to. Hey, I see you. I get you. I have been you. 

Just know this, we all have our struggles. Parenthood is hard, very hard. But equally rewarding. Just like life, in general. The grass may always seem greener on the other side, and on everyone else's Instagram, but that isn't always the reality. 

The fact is, all of us struggle with something or the other. Because what would life be without some struggles, it would lose all its best parts and moments. Only after you struggle, can you triumph, and that's what I learnt this past year. To embrace the change, to embrace the struggle. And to wait, patiently, for the dawn of a new time, a new phase, and to trust that I will be a phoenix when the time is right for me. 

That's all for today folks. 

Love,

Aayushi.

Ruminations in the Covid Era

Hell, I don't remember when I last visited this place, when I last wrote, and when I last hit the pause button in my life. 

I just read the most recent post on my blog, and I don't even remember writing it. That's how crazy this past year has been. 

But no matter what, no matter how much time goes by, this page is something I keep coming back to, like old, cherished, aged love. It has grown and warped with me, it has kept all my secrets, and it is an integral, if redundant, part of my soul and my existence. 

This past year has brought me so many tough lessons, so much love, so much laughter, and so many tears. It's brought so much anxiety and isolation for each of us. 

But it's also brought us the gift of time, and the opportunity of hit reset, to recharge, and to start anew. 

And started I have, in more than one way. A new job, a new country, a new life, a new miracle. A new life skill. New achievements. New ambitions. 

Everything is suddenly so different, both inside and out. The very fabric of my being has changed, just like the very fabric of the universe has changed this year. 

I've grown into love and I've grown into being a new, different me. I've worked and worked and worked and been so proud of everything I've done. 

And although I don't have much to show for anything, the fact is that my soul and my heart has stretched and grown to a whole new dimension. 

This was a fantastic year, inspite of everything, or maybe because of it. And respite seems nowhere close. There's a vaccine on the horizon, as well as a new virus strain. There is so much uncertainty. 

I've found that being away from home is what truly lets you appreciate the miracles and small mercies of the country you call "home", and awakens this craving within you to visit that familiar and beloved land once again. Nothing and no one can replace the comfort of being amongst your people, in your land, and running through the streets you grew up in. 

I've been away from writing, but not from reading. I've found another skill I'm really good at, editing, it helps me cut through everything and focus with razor sharp attention on one task at a time, one task only-the job, the deadline, the words. I find I quite like working this way. 😍

I'm missing my first love, dermatology, but I'm so thankful for the blessing I've received in the form of other work opportunities in this tough time. 

I have loved moving to a new country and building up a life from scratch, I love my new found independence and I love my daily hustle. 

There is nothing and no one I would exchange that for. 

As 2020 finally comes to a close, I know the next year is going to be pretty darn amazing, even more difficult than I could possibly imagine, and definitely very memorable. 

I'm so thankful for all the blessings in my life, for everything that has been, for everything that is going to be, and for right this moment where I'm at right now, and for the way life and God have taught me so much and changed me for the better. I'm thankful to the universe for everything it has given me.

I'm just passing along my thanks and my thoughts now. 

- Aayushi. ❤️

On Legacy

Hearing the news and watching most TV shows these days could probably make you feel incredibly anxious and stressed out.

I read about the Ethiopian Airlines Crash and look at beauiful photos of a young Indian origin doctor travelling to Nairobi to visit her sister, who passed away in the crash. I can't help but wonder at how tenuous life is. At who's going to be next. How we're all running on nothing.

I watch shows on Netflix like Made in India, Four More Shots Please, and all I think of is how easy it is to lose people you love, for relationships to wear thin, for love to disappear.

My husband tells me to be positive, to watch better shows, to choose better what content I expose myself to.

I sit and think. And think. And wonder. And wonder. And dream.

If nothing is meant to last, and there's no surety about tomorrow, what's the best you could do? How's the best you could live? What's the legacy you want to leave behind?

What's the mark you want to leave upon this world?

Your 80 hour work week? Your fights with your loved ones? The tantrum you threw last night coz you didn't like dinner? That 6 months diet you put yourself through. That colleague you trampled upon to get your next promotion? That staff you fired because she got on your nerves. All your goddamn regrets? That secret fling you've been having? All the things you planned on doing...someday? Hell, what's the best thing you did yesterday? Scroll facebook for 2 hrs and Netflix for 4 hrs?

We need to collectively rewire and rewrite our lives. Manage time better. Do better at life.

Let's revisit the main question in this post. What's the legacy you want to leave behind? Let's re-imagine the answer.

I get only one in my head. Love. That's the only legacy I want to leave behind. Love. And change. And honesty. Some goodness. Some kindness. Some generosity. It's good to go to bed every night knowing that I didn't hurt anyone today. Didn't trample upon others for personal gain. Didn't hurt someone's feelings coz they hurt mine first. It's good to do things for the people you love. Keep them happy. Keep them smiling.

Coz there's only so much time and only so much to life. For god's sake dont spend it being a miserable lout and a grey cloud in everyones' life. Don't hurt the people you love, coz you're gonna regret it later.

As pompous as this sounds, I'm no life guru. But this is just a sinking realisation that has come to me from depths of despair. And I'm just putting it out there.

We all need to collectively work on this.

Be better. Be you. Be the best you can be.

Of Love and Hate (Of the self)

Hey everyone...(my imaginary readers)!

So I just read this post on my facebook feed and it made me want to say and write lots and lots of things. It reminded me of this forgotten place, my first love, my blog.

Well, here I am. It's been a long journey this past year, and I just want to say to everyone out there, possibly reading this and struggling to make it through some rough times - Do what EVER you need to do to survive. Keep yourself happy. Your happiness is wholly and solely your responsiblity and being selfish is the first step towards being happy. Accepting that you're not ok, and putting in effort to take care of yourself and pamper yourself works wonders for your mental health.

So if that means you have to eat icecream everyday, go for it. If it means saying no to the world and yes to yourself, go for it. If it means taking a break from work and travelling, go for it. If it means taking a social media blanket break, hell, go for it! Because it's your life, it's your health, it's your heart we are talking about. And nothing is too much as far as taking care of yourself and your heart goes.

You are bloody important, and it's time you realised that.

Sometime last year I started a 100 days of happiness challenge. It was simple and in its simplicity it was miraculous how much it helped me to find happiness in the little things in life.

From then to now, sooo much has happened and I've grown so much.

Life has taken a 360 degree turn. To begin with, I've left Mumbai (something I never dreamt I would do) and moved to a new city, a new life. I've finished my quota of getting through various losers who teach you life lessons and heartbreaks and had my share of growing pains dealt to me.

AND I've met my now husband who, though he didn't come to me dressed as a knight in shining armour on a white horse; he did get me pizza on our first date AND didn't hesitate to serve me first (instead of the other way round) before gorging on his own food. It was so path breaking for me, I almost sang Hallelujah! Yep. Right there, in Amdavad. That's where the magic happened.

And although it took me long enough to recognise the knight (in disguise) that he was, it's been fabulous to finally reach the end of this long journey and meet the person I am supremely happy to spend the rest of my life with.

In other news, I saw the movie "Angrezi mein Kehte hai" yesterday and I duly, and expectedly, loved it. The alternate story of Suman/Feroze portrayed in the movie was refreshing. The main storyline had its quirks but overall loved the message they sent. I only wish the hero didn't start dressing so gaudily the moment he realised he was in love... (like SRK in Rab ne bana di jodi?)

So it seems that I have now left Mumbai, the city of dreams, and moved to Ahmedabad, the heartland of Gujjus. I feel like I am going to be elaborating on this A LOT in my future posts.

I am trying very, very hard, to not develop a gujju accent, But I fear it may happen sooner or later! :P

I shall surely , definitely, maybe keep you posted.

Until the next time life comes around, and drags me up or down, I hope you all have a lovely day.

Don't forget, the secret to your happiness - "Be Selfish".

Bye!

Credits: sandserif

October The Movie

So, I watched October this Friday and it was lovely. In fact the movie had me feeling so much that I suddenly remembered my blog and felt like I had to update it.

It was the saddest and most beautiful movie I've seen in a very, very long time. Rarely do we see something so extremely and perfectly realistic in cinema.

There's no good way to write a review, the movie has to be experienced in a theatre. It is basically a beautiful, soulful melody you will continue to feel long after you've left the theatre.

Also I promise you'll forget that Varun Dhawan is Varun Dhawan. He gets into the skin of Dan superbly. Forgive me for not being able to believe he's the same guy from Judwa 2.

Also as a doctor, a special mention to the medical depictions in the movie, they were so on point. Everything from the patient to the hospital to the doctors to the nurses to the beds to the patient's family, to the hospital chemist, to the medical bills and to the label saying "No Bone" on the patients head. Never in the history of Hindi cinema has the Indian health care scenario been depicted so well. A huge huge round of applause to the entire team for this.

Some dialogues from the movie will strike many a chord with audiences. Dan said some important things about loving one's body and treating it with compassion and kindness and giving it the time it needs to recover. One of the best lessons in self-love I've ever learnt.

The soundtrack is otherworldly, the direction is remarkable. I would definitely never watch this movie again, because it isn't that kind of a movie, but watching it this once in the theatre was truly memorable.

This movie is for all those of us who have ever struggled with our health, who have lost loved ones, who have seen trauma in their lives or in those of their family members and loved ones. Basically this movie will speak to each and every one of us.

Everyone may not like it (hubby dearest did not) but I'd still recommend everyone watch it, it will help you in one way or another, and quite a few of you will surely love it, like I did.

28.

It's almost 3 hours to go for my 28th birthday and it's been such a mixed-up, mish mash of a day...ermm..year!

I didn't want to write a reflective post, and this blog is usually my happy place, but I feel like for once it's time to be a tad reflective.

Or maybe, maybe, it is time to get up onto some rooftops and shout to myself - "Look how far you've come! Look at where you're standing!"

These days I am so very fascinated with the concepts of happiness and sadness. How social construct affects our perceptions of our life. How some people manage to be genuinely, intensely, carelessly happy, inspite of every hardship life throws at them; and how others tend to drown in sadness at every little hitch (or perceived shortcoming) in their path.

I wonder at how difficult it really is to change your inner equilibrium; the one you were born with and/or acquired over the years; to change that and to train yourself into becoming something you're not. We read and know of so many inspiring, amazing success stories. People who have seen and overcome unforeseeable circumstances. All of us know someone like that - either in our personal lives or in the form of persons we've admired; stories we've read about.

People, in general, tend to persevere. People shine. People go on. People triumph. People live.They beat the odds.

How is it then that some of us get caught in the quagmire of life and are just unable to find our shine? The exact frequency we were supposed to be attuned to? Some of us spend our entire lives feeling like we're out of tune with the world. Some of us just can't stop feeling like there's something wrong, somewhere.

Maybe this is what mental illness is. Maybe this is what it looks like.

I'm sure most of us don't understand what goes on in another person's head. Everyone's mind is a beautiful place. Only difference being, some of us get the morning light kind of beauty, and others get the midnight storm kind of one.

I think that's probably what happiness and sadness are all about. Light and storm. And maybe, just maybe, it's possible to graduate from one to another. To find the light in the middle of a storm. To balance all that shine with some rain.

And isn't that what we're all really trying to do?

Let's stop trying to make our lives a competition, for once. A sad rat race of who shines brighter. Let's focus on ourselves, only ourselves, for a change. Let's shine for ourselves. Let's weather storms by ourselves.

Let's love ourselves. 

Let's just BE ourselves.

Halsey once sang - "I hope you make it to the day you're 28 years old."

I officially made it. 

Let's see what happens next, shall we?

On happiness

I don't think I will ever get over how beautiful Sunday mornings are! The fact is, Sunday is like just any other day, but we value it that much more, because on the rest of the days we wake up, get out of bed, and start running before our feet hit the ground. Sundays, we pause. We breathe. We smile.

This past month, I have been thinking a lot and writing a lot about happiness. Most of you will find it silly, because happiness is natural, right? Well, it is mostly, it's our basic human instinct, we can and do smile and laugh through everything. But some of us are just a little more prone to...ahem...some melodrama and melancholy. And writers, I think, more than anyone else.;)

So I started doing 100 days of happiness, after a friend suggested it to me some time back - when I was whining about how miserable I am (in general). Even though I scoffed at him at the time, I took it up on a whim later on.

It has been a fabulous exercise, keeping me preoccupied with the positive things in life, and has pushed me to do something fun every single day. I am just happy in general, and I remember to be kind to people who are not, and I think this is fast becoming a habit that will last all my life. I've started breaking out of my shell and I've started stepping out of home everyday to collect new experiences and new stories to tell. Happiness is most often found in the simplest of things, and it is your attitude that makes all the difference in the world, this I now know.

More than anything, the challenge has brought out my inner creativity in ways nothing else has in a very long time, and frankly I am enjoying myself too much! This is like falling in love with myself, in the best way possible!

To quote Baloo from Jungle book - "Look for the bare necessities/The simple bare necessities/Forget about your worries and your strife/I mean the bare necessities/Old Mother Nature's recipes/That bring the bare necessities of life" : D

Apart from this, I have been reading a lot of poetry, both online and offline, and that helps one grow and teaches one things nothing else in life can.

I have been writing a lot, but nothing is as simple as coming here and spilling out my ramblings in plain, archaic prose. Here, I don't worry about beauty, it's all just staple fare and thought expression that leaves me feeling extremely satisfied. I'm surprised people still read this stuff, in this era of instancy and microblogging... (I mean, Blogger has become redundant)... but here I am, journaling away to glory, and here you are too, watching me do it!

 Another thing I don't understand is why everything in this world is suddenly and certainly becoming shorter and smaller? Conversations, clothes, food, letters, write-ups, dreams, winters? Stories? I'm sure there's more to that list.

I, for one, am all for very very long text messages and long letters and elaborate poetry and long conversations about nothing. Let's waste our time, because we can. Lets' delve into all the people around us, the stories, discover their quirks. Don't be lazy, share yourself, tell your stories, make people laugh.

Wonder about life's purpose, then stop wondering and start living, like I did, because that's what we're all here for today.

Have a beautiful Sunday, ladies and gentlemen! :)