Monday, June 11, 2012

Why do we fight?

For the first time ever, this blog is going to see a post written for solely one purpose.


Be warned, and stay away. 

Growing up, I was always someone who prided herself over not fighting with anyone, not indulging in cat fights. I always wondered why girls around me fought so much. But then, things were simple back then. I never cared about anyone or anything so much, as to fight, I suppose.

(Though there was that one incident in primary school, a fountain pen war. Don't know what that is? Let me explain. It involves blotting ink over each other's faces (you and your enemy) and white school uniforms, then bursting into loud tears in a classroom full of 100 students, then being reprimanded and sent to the washroom to clean up. And the most embarrassing part? Having to go to the wash room with your then arch enemy! And being the only one in floods of tears! Oh well. I think it's time to stop talking about repressed childhood memories)

Moving on to adulthood, how is it that we always find ourselves in a constant struggle for one-upmanship? We're always gossiping, backbiting, taking advantage, backstabbing, fake smiling, putting on shows of friendship, competing, killing, climbing the ladder, and trampling over people. We're cursing and howling and abusing and slapping and disowning best friends and swearing lifetime oaths of enmity. Think, look around, we are, most of us. We always are. In some way or another. And most of us enjoy it. We call it being 'street-smart'. The poor few who don't, are just thrown to one side and left in that corner. With a lot of fake smiles coming their way. And a couple of pitiful "Oh, she's so sweet!"s to boot.

 What I fail to understand, is that how does the person you once thought would be your BFF, turn into a person you can't see eye-to-eye with about even one single thing? I mean, HOW does that happen? What happened to the person who was there in their place before? What happened to the person I was five years back? What happened to that long phone call years ago when we both cried into the handsets and helped each other deal with life's troubles? What happened to the pinky swears? What happened to fighting with the world, for each other? What happened to always having a friend you can count on? Sigh.

I've recently gained a highly cynical world view, and am starting to doubt whether real, uncluttered, friendship without agendas even exists anymore. There's nothing much going on to renew my faith, right now.

I think in the end, we all fight because of one root cause. We all want to be loved, and appreciated. (It's either that, or money. Let's work with the former, for now). And we're ready to do anything for that little bit of love. In the process, we forget that we are cancelling out our original cause, by fighting and doing all that we do. We become unworthy of that same love.

John Mayer once sang: "If you want more love, why don't you say so?".

We should all just say so.  

On another note, more unwanted gyaan for you: The best way to judge a person, if at all you want to, is to see how they fight. (Of course, there's also that ancient piece of wisdom, "Judge a man by how he treats his inferiors". But I think the piece of gyaan I just discovered is much better).

Judge someone when they are fighting. You're angry, ready to fight, guns ablazing,  you want to prove your point, and insult the opposite person, at all costs. That is the best time to forget all your etiquette, dignity, and basic self-respect, and start hurling every swear word you know at whatever person/thing you choose to bestow them upon. People lose all sense of what's happening, and what's being said, what's being done, they lose perspective. What no one realises in the heat of the moment, is what they are doing to themselves and the opposite person, by fighting. The slightly sensible ones, tend to regret everything that happens during a fight, later. But by then it's done, and irreversible.

Losing yourself to anger is by far, the ugliest thing a person can do. Never fails to show the very, very worst in that person. There are few who can keep a sensible head in place, and fight/argue with some rational logic and without letting their anger get a hold on them. And even fewer are those who choose to walk away from a fight.

I have profound respect for all such people. Sadly, they are a very, very rare species.

And what about me, in all this, you ask? Well, I have my highs and lows. Best moments and worst. Sometimes more of the worst. I am never afraid to apologize, though. That's what keeps me sane, and going.

Also, sometimes it turns out all you need is a blog, to keep you sane and going. Spout things out on poor unsuspecting readers. In-house therapy. Always works wonders.I am now finally smiling after a long, draining day.

For you (loyal readers, who never fail to lift up my spirits), I quote, once again, Taylor Swift:

"I love you like I love sparkles and having the last word. And that's real love."

On that blog-happy note, this is goodbye.



  1. How can you cry after an ink fight?

    A very great man was heard saying " Shall I not inform you of two things which require less effort but provide great reward? They are silence and good character "

    1. I think I know the great man mkk is referring to..
      Infact He is the greatest Man that ever lived on the face of earth...
      I want to share one more quote:
      "The strong man is not a good wrestler; the strong man is in fact the person who controls himself at the time of anger."

    2. Yes, you have correctly identified That Man.

  2. I am sure this post conceals as much as it reveals about you. :)

    1. Er. Good observation. Can't edit it now though.

      I was hoping it would conceal more! But then it would have to reveal less :S

  3. haha.. It's a good thing that u dont know the first thing about a fight. But i hate them as much. A good fight is when both the sides hate or love it as much!
    and btw.. Nothing is permanent n people grow up into different people. The friends u've had during school would be ur best friends always, apart from a couple made during college ;)

    1. Of late I seem to know a lot about fights. :D

      You're probably right about what is a good fight!

      I have duly noted your pointed usage of the term 'a couple' :P

    2. Hahahaha, funniest comment ever!!

  4. I love the idea of having the last word by venting on a blog. It avoids prolonging a fight with the person who hurt you. Your best friends don't have to listen to your story on the telephone. Your readers get gyaan. And the other person (hopefully) gets a lesson in civility and dignity. A win-win-win-and-win situation :)

    1. Thank you :) Of course you are right. Especially about the best friends and telephone part :D

  5. Aaaaayushiiiii WHYYYY are you doing this to me!!!! Dang it woman, I feel like picking a fight with you now :P SO CLOSE TO EXAMS and you write stuff that seems like you are listening to my mind with some kind of implant you've placed in my head and writing it all down. (Er, schizophrenia much? Delusions of reference? SEE, I'm going crazy!)

    I can relate to a lot of your post. It's all stuff I've been thinking a lot about of late. I've always maintain it is harder to be the nice girl than it is to be the bitch. And I think I've got it into my head that I want to prove (to self? to world? who knows!) that you CAN lead a happy, successful life by leading it through honest love and none of that bitching, back-biting stuff. I completely get the 'oh you're so sweet's thing. I don't know about you but I find it ridiculously condescending. Just because I choose to love and you choose to try and gain popularity, does NOT make me an innocent, "sweet" person hmmmph! lol.

    anyway. I will one day get back to this because I completely understand what you've written. But, of course you would. Stop reinforcing my delusions of reference, please? :P teehee. back to rheumatoid arthritis, oh the suffering. :-(

    1. Awww, I love you girl! We must be having a secret 'peechle janam ka' connection, that's why we bond like this!

      I was laughing out loud at you vociferously agreeing about the 'oh you're so sweet'. hahaha. Ironic, for both of us, don't you think? And yes, definitely condescending.

      I will try my best to stop reinforcing your delusions of reference. Go tackle RA now.

    2. "your" rheumatoid arthritis? o_O Sorry, had to get it out of my system.
      Hope exam prep's going on fine. While on the topic of fights, tip for practicals, arguing with the examiner may be perceived as brave; telling him he's wrong is not! True Story

    3. teehee. ofc we do. pichle janam ka connection is SO Bollywood too. perfect. :)

      @Sculptor: lol, when did I say my RA :( I am a psych patient dude please ;) thanks, exam prep is killing me, as per. aayushi's sending me pretty pictures to stop me going down though :D all my phone wallpapers for the past few months have been her pictures! (coughdorkycough.. but i love it!) are you watching the Euro? which team are you supporting? i will always have loyalty to the England team but i have a soft spot for Deutschland (the English are gonna kill me!), hope they make it this year. past two world cups have seen them frustratingly in third place!

  6. Blessings.....
    Many may say a whole lot but it comes down to feeling disrespected, inconvenienced, unloved, not a priority, dishonored and devalued, each scenerio when dissected can be boiled down to one of the aforementioned.

    The thing is loving someone does not mean agreeing on everything or reasoning in the same way. The key is respecting each others point of view even if you don't agree. Its about seeing and understanding the other view.

    Sometimes the friendships/relationships we hold dear comes to an end because it has run its course. The ones we would like to journey through life is not always destined to stay the course because they were only there until you have learnt what there was to learn. Rough lessons to learn at times.

    stay blessed.

    1. Respecting other's point of views is what a lot of us are unable to do these days.

      That was a wise observation, about friendships being there only because you have learnt what was there to learn.

  7. @aayushi: wonderfully worded post. If this is a rant, you should do it more often! And it doesn't matter if you've been free of such petty fights before your recent misadventure, what's important is you're all grown up now. Awwww!

    You know what's the worst thing about a fight between two people? Escalation. You rope in old problems, stories long gone, more people get involved!
    Escalation's your worst enemy in a fight, sadly happens the most when you're involved in a face-off that's (excuse the stupidity) face to face. That's why walking away in the heat of the moment makes so much sense. I'd anyday take some time off, and word an articulate account of what's really going on.

    Things that no one will admit during a fight:
    1. everybody screwed up, even if it was a little
    2. old issues have been already resolved
    3. that they've been manipulative
    4. the fight will not lead to thermonuclear war
    5. they're bothered by the state of events

    1. Damn right about escalation.

      Your things no one will admit list is SO true.

  8. I actually really enjoyed reading this post, Aayushi. I understand that it must have been written out of a lot of frustration and some heartache, but it was really something I've always wondered about. I've never actually witnessed a rational argument that hasn't finally turned into an ugly cat-fight in the end. Old issues are dug up, holding grudges becomes commonplace, and the fight gets dirty. I'm personally a non-confrontational person, or I like to think so, but every time I've tried to address a problem with someone, I'm a little worried that it'll be remembered as something to be brought up in a future fight some day.

    It's all gotten a bit like walking on eggshells, you know. You can't be too careful about what you say or do. It's difficult to always be so calculating and even if you succeed, you get labelled 'diplomatic' or even worse, 'fake nice'. I think the best policy that has worked for me is to keep my head down and just not care. I don't know if this is something that is specific to our college, or if it's something a lot of people encounter, but one day you just wake up and realise your best friend isn't even a friend any more. It really hurts when you not only drift apart, but also become people who choose to forgive but not forget.

    I'm sorry, I've begun some venting of my own here! :D But really, great post, Aayushi! :)

    1. "to keep my head down and just not care..." I totally agree that's the best way these days to deal with things..But it's just difficult to achieve that level of indifference at times.

      I understand what you're saying about being labelled diplomatic...I guess there are people who don't care about such things and who go all out and say what they want, when they want. But then I think they also have the capacity and the attitude to take the consequences of that in their stride as well. The rest of us, I think, till we develop such capacities, which i think we all would over time and with enough experience, but till then I guess you are very right and it is best to tread with caution, in general.

      For your own sake, if not for anyone else's.

    2. You're right man, to wilfully be indifferent is bloody difficult. I envy people it comes to, naturally. But more than that, I envy people who like you said, can afford to always speak their mind. If there's one thing college has taught me, it's to consider atleast twice over in my head anything I want to say to anyone. Otherwise, there's always my big foot to fit into my big mouth. :D

  9. And Heartbreak Warfare is one profound song! :) It's my favourite song by John Mayer!