2021

2021 has been the year of parenthood for me.

It was the year I became a part of this wonderful, glorious, and kind community of creatures we call "parents". Fellow beings doling out daily doses of humour to survive shitstorms. Yep.

I left so much of myself behind in 2021, it's no joke and no small feat. I went from being a doctor and little girl with big dreams to wham...a MOM!!! Someone solely responsible for a BABY...a crying and wailing and cuddly little human.

Well, it has been transformative, to say the least. 

Now I know everyone experiences life differently. I know all my peers are balancing so much on their plates, multitasking, building empires, saving lives, working on their careers, all while being parents. 

My experience and my circumstances, somehow, have been different. To look on the positive side of things, 2021 gave me an opportunity to be a totally immersive parent. I am happy to say I've been with my baby every single moment since the time he was born (apart from the time I went for the three covid jabs)😂. I'm so proud of myself for always being there, for dealing with everything, for ticking all the checkboxes. Yes, my career has definitely taken a beating during this time, but hey, I'm still optimistic. 

And I'm still a dermatologist, and no one, I mean no one can take that away from me.

I'm so proud of everything I've achieved this year. Raising a little human is no mean feat.

It's been hard. It's also been glorious. It's been life-altering, to put it in simple terms. 

Now I suddenly view the world with a brand new outlook. Now I 

 understand and appreciate my own parents SO much more. I also understand and appreciate my spouse's parents that much more. I'm automatically kinder to everyone. Because hey, the world's a shitty place, and everyone is someone's baby! You gotta step out with some kindness everyday. 

When you have a little baby at home, it's suddenly not THAT important to win at life anymore. The only important things are - feed, poop, diapers, nap, sleep, repeat. And letting yourself breathe in between. And enjoy their immense laughter, and their chubby cheeks and their tiny tiny toes. Yes. And yet. All that stuff overtakes everything else. 

And yes, I'm not trying to wax glorious without thinking about people who don't have babies, who choose not to, or aren't able to. Hey, I see you. I get you. I have been you. 

Just know this, we all have our struggles. Parenthood is hard, very hard. But equally rewarding. Just like life, in general. The grass may always seem greener on the other side, and on everyone else's Instagram, but that isn't always the reality. 

The fact is, all of us struggle with something or the other. Because what would life be without some struggles, it would lose all its best parts and moments. Only after you struggle, can you triumph, and that's what I learnt this past year. To embrace the change, to embrace the struggle. And to wait, patiently, for the dawn of a new time, a new phase, and to trust that I will be a phoenix when the time is right for me. 

That's all for today folks. 

Love,

Aayushi.

On happiness

I don't think I will ever get over how beautiful Sunday mornings are! The fact is, Sunday is like just any other day, but we value it that much more, because on the rest of the days we wake up, get out of bed, and start running before our feet hit the ground. Sundays, we pause. We breathe. We smile.

This past month, I have been thinking a lot and writing a lot about happiness. Most of you will find it silly, because happiness is natural, right? Well, it is mostly, it's our basic human instinct, we can and do smile and laugh through everything. But some of us are just a little more prone to...ahem...some melodrama and melancholy. And writers, I think, more than anyone else.;)

So I started doing 100 days of happiness, after a friend suggested it to me some time back - when I was whining about how miserable I am (in general). Even though I scoffed at him at the time, I took it up on a whim later on.

It has been a fabulous exercise, keeping me preoccupied with the positive things in life, and has pushed me to do something fun every single day. I am just happy in general, and I remember to be kind to people who are not, and I think this is fast becoming a habit that will last all my life. I've started breaking out of my shell and I've started stepping out of home everyday to collect new experiences and new stories to tell. Happiness is most often found in the simplest of things, and it is your attitude that makes all the difference in the world, this I now know.

More than anything, the challenge has brought out my inner creativity in ways nothing else has in a very long time, and frankly I am enjoying myself too much! This is like falling in love with myself, in the best way possible!

To quote Baloo from Jungle book - "Look for the bare necessities/The simple bare necessities/Forget about your worries and your strife/I mean the bare necessities/Old Mother Nature's recipes/That bring the bare necessities of life" : D

Apart from this, I have been reading a lot of poetry, both online and offline, and that helps one grow and teaches one things nothing else in life can.

I have been writing a lot, but nothing is as simple as coming here and spilling out my ramblings in plain, archaic prose. Here, I don't worry about beauty, it's all just staple fare and thought expression that leaves me feeling extremely satisfied. I'm surprised people still read this stuff, in this era of instancy and microblogging... (I mean, Blogger has become redundant)... but here I am, journaling away to glory, and here you are too, watching me do it!

 Another thing I don't understand is why everything in this world is suddenly and certainly becoming shorter and smaller? Conversations, clothes, food, letters, write-ups, dreams, winters? Stories? I'm sure there's more to that list.

I, for one, am all for very very long text messages and long letters and elaborate poetry and long conversations about nothing. Let's waste our time, because we can. Lets' delve into all the people around us, the stories, discover their quirks. Don't be lazy, share yourself, tell your stories, make people laugh.

Wonder about life's purpose, then stop wondering and start living, like I did, because that's what we're all here for today.

Have a beautiful Sunday, ladies and gentlemen! :)

Hello! 2016

I suppose it's that time of the year once again. That time to take stock and to remember your deserted blog. (AND I've started rhyming even in prose!)

I remember writing on this blog, sometime last year; that 2015 was going to be a year that matters. Well, it did turn out to be that, and much more.

So in the end, here I am, sitting in front of my PC, one day to go for year-end, and I am happy. And that's primarily why it was a year that mattered.

More than anything, this year, I've learnt to own my words once again, something that makes me very very happy. So hello world, this is me, Aayushi, and I write. All the time.

So yes, even though I haven't sufficiently veered off-course yet (as far as my blog writing traditions go), here are some of the things I've come to realise this year. That, combined with the cumulative experience of my 27 years of existing on this planet :P

(As usual, I'm back to dispensing gyaan for free on my personal blog. I'm quite full of myself that way.)

What was the topic at hand? Ah, here are the things I learnt -

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Want to be happy? Only you can and should be responsible for your own happiness. Counting on someone else just doesn't pan out in the long run. People leave. People die. People change. People change their minds. People get busy. So count on yourself. No one knows better than me how difficult this actually is in practice, to be responsible for your own happiness, when you're not happy per se. But try this. Put yourself first. Your happiness before everyone else's. Be selfish. Do whatever you want/need. Make yourself happy. And see where that takes you. I promise you, it will work, if you try.

Make your health a priority. Your body is wonderful, but it has it's limitations. Take care of it. Exercise, breathe, meditate. Rest. Stay fit. Exercising is also one of the best ways to improve your mental health and your body image.

Find your passions and pursue them. Pursue them relentlessly. Unabashedly. Stop thinking about what will they think. Do what you like. You will look back and be happy that you did.

Live alone. Travel alone. Shop alone. I haven't really done all of these in the strictest sense of the term, but I have sort-of done these, and I would love to do more of these next year. However I do always shop alone, and it is the fastest way to get that job done!

Get out of your comfort zone. Do things that make you uncomfortable/anxious. Expand your horizons. That's the only way to keep your life interesting, and to let yourself learn and grow. Even if you end up as a sad blubbering mess of jumbled up words, do it. Just because, the next time you try that particular thing, you won't mess up that bad.

Acquire one new skill. (I haven't really acquired any this last year, I'm sorry to report. However, I may have sort of learnt the very fine art of saying no; something that is quintessential to your survival in society at large). So yes, skills. Someday, you will come to realise that you are an adult, with responsibilities, and when that happens, the only things you have to count on are yourself, your skills, and your education. So keep learning. And acquire one new skill every year, atleast.

Write letters. And not online ones. No e-letters. No blog posts or Facebook posts. This is one of the best things I learnt this year. Write actual letters. Sign them. And put them in an envelope. A letter becomes an almost miraculous thing. Something to be cherished forever. Something which can be stored, re-read, which can actually be felt with your hands. Not a link to the internet. Not the backlight of your phone screen showing you some words. An actual letter. On paper. Addressed to you in an envelope. A story someone decided to tell you. A message someone wrote down just for you. Explore this bit of magic in the world.

Write a letter to someone you love, today. And hand it over to them. It will be truly awesome.

Don't forget to take time out for yourself. Stop, pause. Take a break. Take a vacation. Take that day off. You will work much better on the rest of the days.

I don't want this post to sound like all of those on thoughtcatalog.com (I do realise that is an irony), but yeah, read thoughtcatalog.com. It's just fun and probably quite useful. I mean, thoughtcatalog.com might be some of the most sensible advice some people get, about anything. Keep visiting to get new ideas and perspectives about your own life.

Work hard. Because really, nothing can be more satisfying or make you happier. Find what drives you and start moving up that ladder. Start paving the way for your success.

Find the people and the things that make you laugh. And don't let go of them. ;)

Teach. Discover the joy of imparting knowledge, of influencing someone, changing their mind and helping them grow in a minor way. When you notice that small spark of respect in their eyes, or receive an affectionate thank you, that's when you'll realise how important it is to teach. Start giving back what was once given to you.
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Okay I have (finally) started to feel very preachy, so I am going to stop. (Also I have run out of things to further preach about. I just wanted to say hi to you all. That was the entire point of this post!).

Ending this post with a poem, one of my favorites from this year. Just because.

See you all next year. Comments are most welcome. I will try my best to reply, I swear on 2015.

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Let's be a poem (Version III)

You be the beginning
(Once upon a time)
The pirate at sea who
Wears a black patch o'er his eye

I’ll be hiding somewhere
Lost amidst these lines -
The maiden who doesn’t know
Where her true heart lies

You bring in the story
I’ll stir up the rhymes,
You tell all the jokes
I’ll be the laughter that chimes

You can be the syntax
(Words that sit together just right)
I’ll be the grammar
(Compulsively correcting from the sides)

You'll be the narrator
I, the script writer,
You, the lead actor
I, the paramour

You say all the words
I’ll add the punctuation,
You start all our songs
I’ll bring in the rhythm

You be the black ink
That scribbled all over my white,
Together making a picture ,
So pleasing to the eyes

You be the syllables
That leave behind many a sigh
And I will be the images
To fill up the reader’s mind

Oh we could be a poem, we could,
You,
And I.

-Aayushi Mehta (2015).

Don't give up on the things that make you smile

This blog needs some serious lovin' from me. I've been gone too long, but I'm here now.

I came across this photo a few days back, and it immediately struck a cord. Such a simple thing, yet so effective. Don't give up on the things that make you smile. If you sit down and think about it, how many of us can actually do this? Have we been able to stay true to ourselves, in the face of rationality and ambition and the demands of society and everyday life?

I better stop questioning the purpose of our existence, and move on. Here's a random list of things that make me smile:

Cooking
Poetry
Romance Novels
Painting
Travelling
Sunday Times
Chocolate
Dogs
Taylor
*
POSTCARDS (in caps for emphasis)
Doing well in an exam
Family
Rain
Stories
Ballads

How simple and silly and predictable is the list. And yet, how easy it is to end up going for months without doing any of these things, and letting your life become drudgery.

Today, I just want to tell you one simple thing - In the next 24 hours, do one thing that makes you smile, that makes you very happy, that you're crazy and passionate about. Pamper yourself, give yourself a treat, take a break. Make yourself happy.

And let me know how that went :D

I know this is not my usual writing style. I don't do philosophy and self-help and spiritual liberation and positive attitude. I don't. But sometimes everybody needs to.

Tell me about the things that make you smile. I'll be back in this space soon to rant and rave about my life, and to pound you with unforeseeable lectures and awful humour (It's so awful it becomes funny).

Please stick around! <3

Here's a comic to entice you to stay:

Source: This lovely blog : http://literaryemergency.com/

New perspective

This has been mainly an internship chronicles blog this past year, and yesterday I completed the last day of my medical internship. (At this point, we all shall stop whatever we are doing and get up from our chairs and do a mini-jiggly-crazy dance. 20 secs. Yes! Good. Everyone should dance in honor of me completing my internship!)

It's been a memorable year, in more ways than one, that much I can say. And no, I am not shutting down this blog, this isn't a farewell post, so stop worrying about that.

This is just a post which has no direction, as of now.

But a few things I have realized this last year. Kind of like acquiring some new gyaan, and looking at the world with a new perspective.
 

Glasses by ~Bardouv

For example, I learnt that nothing quite matches the feeling of simple satisfaction you get after a long day at work. But also that not all people get that feeling.

That one should always turn to chocolate in times of need; on bad-hair days, and otherwise.

That friends are often overrated. People grow up and change and drift apart. They fight and they hold grudges and they bite. However, at times, you do make that genuine, unconditional, plain and simple friend, who is your friend for absolutely no reason or purpose, other than being a friend. Don't forget to hold on to that person.

That sometimes, not pushing yourself to your limits, and just doing what pleases you, also works wonders. That it's too much effort to spend every waking minute being hard upon yourself.

That talking, in general, to anyone, about anything, is not really my thing.

That being taught well is a privilege you don't often get, even after five and a half years in medical "school". So those rare teachers that you come across, one should remember to respect them and to thank them. 

That there are two ways you can command respect from the people around you. Either you force them to give it to you, by virtue of your seniority, or you earn it, by virtue of your knowledge and conduct.

That even after all my pessimism, at the end of the day, I love my profession.

That writing, is my thing. My person. My backup. My hiding place. My safe place.

The best part about last year about last year has been this blog. .

That reading good poetry is one of the greatest joys in my life. It's almost miraculous how some arrangements of words can be so beautiful.

That in the end, very few things matter. But knowing what does and what doesn't, that's the clincher.

That time wasted, doing what you love, is never time wasted. Yes, that thing people always said, it was true.

That sometimes in life, we discover too late the things we truly love and the things that truly matter. And yet, there's enough joy in just the discovery itself, to make everything okay.

That, when things get bad, it's best to just turn off the lights, curl up under a cozy quilt and sleep everything off.

That, you never know when, and where, and how, you may bump into people who will change the entire course of your life, in a matter of time. And that you can never be prepared for them.

That there aren't really many pre-emptive measures in life, they're there only in medicine.

That anonymity and fame, can never both be acquired together. Sooner or later, you have to choose one.

That everyday is a new opportunity to be better.

That nothing in the world is quite like a good love story.

That being able to ignore people is a superpower like no other.

That it takes bravery to be able to sing like no one is hearing, and dance like no one is watching.

That I am not very brave, except with words.

That I can turn any post into a long philosophical ramble, with no head or tail, and publish it here.

That people will still be around to read this kind of stuff.

That I am bad at closing lines.

That....well...that's that.

THE LIST

I am finally making a list of things to do before I die. Because I woke up today morning feeling like I am wasting my life away.

Image Source: here.

 1. Publish a book.
2. Write fiction.
3. Become rich enough to afford a bad-ass camera and lenses.
4. Become a great derdermatologist.   

5. Travel a lot. (The exact guidelines for this item on the list are yet to be made)
6. Run a famous blog with an anonymous identity.
7. Have a pet.
8. Change atleast one person's life.
9. Become an  excellent teacher. 

10. Start a charity.

11. Build a hospital.
12. Watch every awesome movie ever made by mankind.
13. Attend a live music concert by an international artist I love.
14. Get in shape. As in, get fit. (I am not overweight at all, don't think like that! I just want to force myself to exercise :P)
15. Don't lose any more friends.
16. *
17. Read every book written by Judith McNaught.
18. Become a good doctor.
19. Look down (err...up?) a telescope

20. Save a life.

21. Win a poetry prize.
22.. Visit Disneyland.
23. Master the art of cooking.
24. Simulate a fairy tale at some ipoint in life

25. Send parents on vacation.
26. Design my own beautiful house.
27. Buy own car and finally be a confident driver. 

28. Visit Greece, Galapagos and the Amazon valley.

29. Read this list often. Atleast it will remind me of what could have been.

This list could go on and on. I am ending it for now and going to pursue some of my more immediate goals. But this list is an ongoing dynamic process.

This is definitely not the last you are hearing of it.

Have a blessed Sunday :)

The Glorious Things Interns Do

1. Clean cupboards.
2. Bring tea, coffee, food for the senior docs.
3. Take senior doctors' family members to the dentist.
4. Basically, make senior doctors' family members feel important, show them around, do their work for them, so that your senior looks good.
5. Go to the bank and finish your seniors' work for them.
6. Fill forms. Tons and tons. Since seniors are too high and mighty to fill theirs themselves.
7. Accompany patients everywhere. Since they will otherwise get lost and some time will be wasted. An intern's time on the other hand is obviously worthless.
8. Beg all the time. For X-rays to be done, USGs to be done, investigations to be done, reports to be given, appointments to be given. Beg for syringes, needles, bulbs, gloves. Beg, haggle, fight, steal, scream, weep. Whatever it takes to get the job done quickly. (Though of course, all this should actually be getting done all by itself, as a basic requirement for any hospital to function).
9. Suck up to everyone, from the mama to the sweeper to the nurse to the resident doctors to the HOUs to the Dean.
10. Put up with flirting and ogling housies (exclusive to female interns).
11. Arrange for alcohol etc. for your residents (exclusive to male interns).
12. Trace reports. Although they should never require tracing in a fully functional hospital. 
13. Make phone calls from your cellphone for your seniors' work.
14. Scan books and textbooks for your seniors.
15. Check and tally the department's accounts for your seniors.
16. Find the X-rays or files or reports your seniors lost. 
17. Never learn a thing.
18. Never treat a patient.
19. Never question your seniors.
20. Put up with the sisters being mean to you all the time (I confess there have been occasions when they've left me close to tears with their unnecessary and uncalled for meanness).

From mkk:
21. Shoot and develop X-rays.
22. Forge prescriptions under some other Dept HOD's name.
23. Find pillow for the lecturer to rest on.
24. Help the medical instruments supplier extract money from BMC so that they get few thousand rupees of commission.
25. Take night ward rounds and write CM notes as the housemen are too busy (read lazy) to take themselves.
26. Get the tube lights fixed!
27. Renewal of medical registration.

From Tangled up...:
28. Pick up the housie's laundry and deposit it in her room.
29. Count the number of functioning and non-functioning ventilators in the ICU and write down the names of the companies as well as who donated the money needed to buy them.
30. Go to the new hospital building from the old to call the registrar because the intercom wasn't working (God forbid, they actually have to use their mobile phones!)
31. Count the number of tables and chairs in three wards.
32. Pick up lunch order from a restaurant because the restaurant had no one to deliver it.
33. Spread a bed sheet on the bed in the doctor's room in the Emergency so the lecturer can sleep on it.

All this donkey work we do isn't going to help us in any way as a doctor, or as an individual. Our seniors aren't even going to thank us for it, or acknowledge our existence once we've finished doing their work. It's just going to be time we wasted in our life. Zero benefit. The only way it helps is that they HAVE to give us the sign on the log book at the end of your posting. Since we did all their donkey work. Interns just want the sign, seniors just want their work done. So no one complains.

Some people seem to think that the PG doctors are so overworked, it's no crime if they shed some of their workload onto the interns. But I beg to differ. As PG students, they worked hard, got admission into college, and are now going to spend the next three years becoming doctors. This is a part of their deal. They're getting paid for this. It's part of their job profiles, and it will help their patients. (Yes, the very ones they actually get to treat). Their seniors will teach them, and help them in their careers, if they do their jobs well. And they better do it well! But is it really a part of an intern's job profile to do their seniors' donkey work?

As medical interns in a government hospital, we're supposed to get a hands-on experience in treating patients, and improving our medical knowledge, we're supposed to be developing skills, not doing our seniors' work for them so that their lives are easier (while they never give a thought to our lives).

Frankly, dear seniors, we don't even mind doing your donkey work, since we are the junior most in the hierarchy, but at least we should be taught something once in a while. Don't look at us like hungry leeches, with the only thought in your head when you see an intern being how to extract the most from them and get the highest amount of dumb work done from them. We've finished medical school, the least you can do is treat us with some respect. Like, maybe remember we are now your colleagues? Ever heard of the words 'please', and 'thank you'? If you're asking us to do your personal work, at least ask politely! Ever thought that you should maybe do your job once in a while which includes teaching us something? Rather than just thinking hard and inventing work for the intern every time you see one sitting ideal? Hope you get the message someday. Till then I'll just go back to living the frustrating life of an intern.

P.S. My ongoing orthopedics rotation is turning out to be a nightmare. Though this post may seem a bit extreme to some, I swear all of it is true, especially as far as this one rotation is concerned.

P.P.S. Feel free to add to my list of 'The Glorious Things Interns Do'. I will be updating the list as your comments come in.

To lost friends

"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness..."

- How to save a life, The Fray.

To all the friends I have managed to lose, along the way.

We used to be close, once upon a time. Then life happened, we grew up, we drifted apart, we hurt each other too bad, we changed as people, or we were just too lazy to continue being the friends that we were in the past. We lost each other.

But I still remember you. And I hope we meet again sometime, along the way.